Is marriage the cure for loneliness?

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Every couple has different reasons to get married that apply to their unique relationship. For example, couples may get married for emotional reason, financial reason, legal consideration, religious reason, or social pressure; to name a few. with so many reasons to get married, it is important for couples to truly examine their relationship and decide why they should make the commitment.

On the other hand, even while couples examine why they want to get married, they should also consider some reason not to get married. According to some sociologist one reason a couple should not get married is to alleviated loneliness.

Let’s define what is loneliness. Loneliness is not the same as being a private person, or a loner. Most of us like to have some time to ourselves at one time or another. Loneliness is the constant lack of social contact, intimacy, feeling isolated, and live like an outcast. Loneliness is often psychologically-driven, more than anything else, the cure for persistent loneliness lies in disrupting the negative cycle of thinking that created it in the first place.

Sociologists, W.J. Lederer and D.D.  Jackson, argued that between married partners, there are three main types of loneliness. They thesis states that loneliness is seldom alleviated by marriage. People who marry each other so they will stop being lonely often discover that the most excruciating loneliness of all is shared with another.

First, there is the loneliness of the individual who simply has not learned how to get along with people. When such lonely people marry each other, each one has high expectations of his spouse. Neither realizes that the other is paralyzed by the same limitations as the other. As a result, both of them wind up lonelier than ever. The TV and movie, and play “Marty,” where a shy, inarticulate man meets a shy, inarticulate woman and they find happiness together, is about on a par with Cinderella when it comes to realism.

The second type of loneliness is found in people who are the very opposite of those in the first group. They have bright personalities and well-developed social skills and are obsessed with the desire to be popular at all cost. Such people make good sales and advertising personal and social leaders. Many of them give the appearance of being “sexy,” when in reality they may be sexually unskilled or frigid, even though they may have had a number of affairs with the opposite sex. This type of person finds it difficult to be intimate with anyone whom he does not feel to be his inferior. The fact remains, however, that in marriage–as in relationship with people in general–unless one person can deal with another on a basic of equality, he will be lonely, no matter how outgoing and what a good mixer he may appear to be.

A third kind of loneliness is seen in the type of person who must be best in whatever it is he does. Many successful people in the arts, industry and business fall into this category. Often they are kind and loving to those who can be useful to them. People of this sort trust no one to do anything well, suspecting that almost everyone–even their spouses–will stand in the way of their headlong rush toward success. They require virtually everything and everyone to revolve around themselves. If they are glamorous or powerful enough, they may be able to get mates who will put up with this for awhile. However, such marriage usually don’t last, and they try again and again, drifting from one marriage to another, becoming more and more suspicious and more and more lonely.

 

Adapted from William J. Lederer and Don D. Jackson. “Types of Loneliness” in The Miracles of marriage

12 Comments

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  3. Christian marriage cunlseoing, I believe, has greater potential as an active ingredient in the healing process than any other type of therapy. Why? Because marriage between a man and woman is God’s plan so it only stands to reason that the repair procedures for an unhealthy marriage could be found in His word.My wife and I went through Christian marriage cunlseoing provided a trained, licensed, minister of the faith who was exceptionally gifted in using the Word of God to help couples in the reconciliation process. These are important credentials in choosing a counselor. What makes Christian marriage cunlseoing effective is the willingness of the couple to truly uncover, forgive, and die-to-self. It has to be understood that none of these things are within our human ability to accomplish alone. We need the help of the Holy Spirit to facilitate the type of radical change that must take place in one’s heart, deep down inside, in order for real change to take place. You’ll know it is happening when your focus is less on what your mate is doing than what you are doing in and with your relationship with God.Fifteen years later, my wife and I are stronger than ever. Has the road been free of bumps? No. But I have heard it said that if the mountain were as smooth as glass, you wouldn’t be able to climb it. We are still living in and by what we learned in Christian marriage cunlseoing. Our marriage is not about determination and resolve to make it work; its about the freedom to love one another and let the other be who they are with full faith and confidence that what holds us together is not our resolve, but trust and assurance in Jesus Christ that He is able to sustain us through any storm that might come our way.

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      Dr. Smith.

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